If The Cubs Win the World Series
Be honest: if this goes down, and the Cubs win the World Series (this year or any other), you’ll stop by the party. At least for a bit.
It doesn’t matter if you hate the Cubs, hate baseball, hate crowds or even hate the night sky… curiosity will ultimately get the best of you, and you’ll be drawn forth into the roaring masses, captivated by spectacle that will range from multi-generational sobbing fits to boozy frat boys chanting “U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!”
Here’s what you can expect to see:
At the outset, it’ll be mostly cops, honks, parking tickets and beer—so, on par with any weekend night in Wrigleyville. How many honks, you ask? More than a million, we think. Over the course of the initial 48-hour celebration, we expect the average Cubs fan to joyously beep his or her horn about 50 times. Sure, many fans will just beep a dozen or so times during that first hour following the final game, but remember to account for that guy who’s been waiting his whole life to beep a horn with reckless abandon and no consequences. Oh, he’ll get his that night. Pencil him in for 15,000 beeps.
You’ll also see a few parking tickets. And by “a few” we mean 187,200. That said, we imagine many of those orange and white eyesores will somehow find their way from windshield wipers to pavement, before any car’s owner every lays eyes on them!
Here’s what you won’t see:
The game-winning ball. Unless you’re the guy or gal who ends up nabbing the historic artifact, don’t count on seeing this out and about during the celebration. It’ll be worth, quite literally, more than a lifetime of wages for the average American. Also, speaking of someone hypothetically nabbing the ball, one of the very few ways that could happen would be if the Cubs won on a walk-off home run. And if they do, if it goes down like that… double every number on this list.
Here’s what you can only hope to see:
A hologram of Harry Caray singing the 7th inning stretch. Forget Bill Murray, forget Eddie Vedder. If the boys in blue get to the Series, there’s only one way for the Cubs operations folks to knock one out of the park: resurrect the legendary broadcaster, using the same budding hologram technology that recently brought back Tupac and Michael Jackson.
Bottom line, no matter what happens, it’ll be historic. It’ll be the standard-bearing celebration for sports fans everywhere, possibly for centuries to come. And, as far as we’re concerned, it couldn’t be hosted by a better group of people in a better city. Cheers Chicago!